The best I ever had

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

It's the March holidays again. I'm quite surprised and also very glad that we weren't bombarded with homework just this once. Here I am actually taking time out to write this post, which is going to be super long. I have so much things to say, so many thoughts and problems bottled up inside my mind. Its been one and a quarter years since I entered hell. Another 8-9 monthss to go. So many things have came and gone and I havent had time to really stop and rest.

The physical surroundings and conditions in NJ have improved considerably. At least we have the aircon on during most of our lectures now and less knocking and banging going on. Dear empress dowager actually spent a few hours of her royal time trying to convince us how much effort and money she had spent on these improvements. Well, at least she's trying. Moreover, I also get to go back at about 2-4pm on most days now, except when I have CCAs. Having said this, life in NJ hasnt improved one bit for me. If anything, it has just gotten real bad. I know I've had my ups an downs before but I really didnt' know my life could descend to such a level it has never reached before at this moment.

There's just this tinge of sorrow, disappointment, loneliness and heartache etched in my heart these past few months that I havent been able to get rid of. Its like I've been spending so much energy and effort trying to survive NJ that I havent realised how troubled I really am. I dont know who I really am anymore. I feel like an empty shell, thrown into the storm, far far away from my friends away, disfigured and changed. I also realised that I'm starting to have a phobia of the word 'friends'. Whenever I hear anything about friends, I just feel like shutting my ears and running far far away.

The people whom I once laughed, joked and argued with are long dead. They don't exist anymore. My world now is just filled with empty superficial shells like myself all just trying to survive in this harsh and cruel world that we have been thrown into. I've nver felt so lost and so hurt before in my life. Although there are so mny people around me, so many new people that I have met, but I feel like I now know less people than before. It feels like I'm all alone in this world surrounded by artificial entities.

We are all just trying to survive, trying to break free and escape this cruel world back into the world we once knew. Whenever I see the people whom I once regarded as friends, I feel like I'm just looking at some long lost neighbours whom I haven't met in a long time. I really don't know how I can take this anymore. Coupled with all the stress I'm facing from studies, all the stress from 'A' levels. Yet all this stress is nothing compared to that I'm facing from the other superficial empty shells that are also trying to survive this cruel world with me.

I'm stretching out my hands as far as I can, trying to reach for the end, trying to pull myself past these last few months. The end is so near yet so far and I have this intense fear that when I finally reach the end, I will not like what I find. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to go back to where I once was. It's funny how life can screw you up so bad without warning. We just separated and grew apart, so far apart that we can't even see each other clearly anymore. All this came so gradually, yet so quickly that we have no time to respond at all.

I really really hate everybody now, including myself. I hate us for trying so hard to survive that we have forgotten to live. Yet, we must still scramble for the end in the end. What can we really do anyway? Ultimately, we all have our own lives to lead. We will all go our own separate ways in the end, so why do I still bother to be so emotional? Why? Why? I want my old life back and yet I also want to survive. I also want the people around me to survive. Why can't we have everything we wish for?

Zhi Hao is close behind at 5:00 PM

That's me

Defines my world

Relief my boredom

You'll always be a part of me

Indelible memories